Ten Funny Showbiz Tidbits--What Nexts? As Seen Through My Crystal Ball

So, here are ten “what’s nexts?” that I hope you will find amusing.

1. Faith Hill, who's angelic voice has been rather quiet after she chastised a fan who became too "personal" with her husband, Tim McGraw, will release her new single, "When You Think Tim McGraw, Don't Even Think of Grabbing his Crotch or I'll Go All Miranda Lambert on Your Ass." You really have to be a country music fan; it just gets better and better.

2. Staying on Miranda Lambert for a moment; Her huge hit, Gunpowder and Lead in which she sings, “He slapped my face and he shook me like a rag doll, now don’t that sound like a real man, I’m gonna show him what a little girl’s made of, gunpowder and lead,” will indeed have a follow-up hit titled, On the Run. Miranda will croon to her dead lover, “Now that I’ve shot ya, and drank all the beer, my dog, Bo, and me, gotta get on outta here.” I keep telling you, don’t mess with country chicks; they will mess you up-- they make Alanis Morissette look like Little Miss Muffett.

3. Brittany Spears will put on underwear, sober up, find Jesus and go on tour with a gospel choir wearing all-black garb including turtleneck sweater and black trousers. Her comeback single will be, "Jesus, I'm a Heel."

4. Former American Idols, Ruben Studdard, and Taylor Hicks will form their own record company aptly named, As If Records; They will sign themselves and have record deals again; at least for a week or two; kinda like their last record deals.

5. Nicole Richey, in an effort to get back into the limelight, will gain 150 pounds and become the newest Face (or whatever body part) of Jenny Craig.

6. Toby Keith will continue his patriotic bashing of Mid-Eastern terrorist groups with a follow-up to his fired-up Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue, (The Angry American) called, Turn the Desert to Glass, Forget the Boot in Your Ass. Love Toby! He always says what’s on his mind.

7. M.C. Hammer will make a comeback. Hammer will hit the limelight this time with his own line of parachute pants, retro-80’s styled for complete comfort. His new clothing line will be called JammerTime; Duds For Dudes Who Would Rather Be In Bed.

8. As a Topper for Danielle's Peck's Country Tune, "Jesus Loves you, But I Don't," Danielle will get more hardcore and join the ranks of the angry country music chicks with her come back hit "I'm Not Sure Even Jesus Gives a Crap About You."

9. Jennifer Grey of "Dirty Dancing" fame may be the only Hollywoodsie whose nose job actually RUINED her career; but 2009 will be her comeback year. She will star in a blockbuster, new sitcom. Jennifer will play a 40-something-year-old virgin who has cosmetic surgery and moves to Los Angeles, befriends a Valley Girl and becomes a tramp. It will be called, Lady La La Land and the Tramp.

10. And finally, from the depths of movie failure-dom, Hollywood will attempt a sequel of the movie, Ishtar. The original stars will play their old roles. This time, Warren Beatty, Dustin Hoffman and Charles Grodin will head across the desert in a Humvee in search of Hoffman's character's aged mother, Golda, who has been living in a Moroccan rest home now under siege by a local terrorist group. It will be titled, Three Men and an Oy vey Lady.

As punishment for writing and directing the original Ishtar, Elaine May, will make her screen comeback, as she will play the old lady, Golda. May, incidentally, hasn't worked in the industry since Ishtar. There's a surprise!